In an extremely unexpected turn of events, there’s been some breaking news. This semester has been filled with protests and people coming together to fight for a cause. Even me, your local satire writer, is starting a protest. But first, let’s go over some of the important protests this semester.

First of all there was the protest With LoWery. Shutting doWn the house led to a lot of upset students, an endless appearance of alphabetic letters left around campus, and one or tWo cult meetings. Problems quickly arose With the subject and a lot of people felt like it Was dealt With unfairly. HoWever things have settled doWn for noW, and only time Will tell hoW this Will affect Principia’s future.

There have also been protests regarding period products. The Sustainability Club has been actively working towards getting period products more easily available on campus. A lot of students have been engaged in these efforts. Not much has changed but it has been acknowledged so there may be a chance for change.

Friends of English, Principia’s English, writing, and literature club, led a counter protest – they believe that other punctuation is just as important and that products should be available for all punctuation marks; unfortunately they weren’t available for a comma-ent but it’d be an apostrophe if we dash-ed the protest from the list!

One recipe for disaster has been the protests regarding food this semester. Add one cup of economical issues, a tablespoon of angry students, and a pinch of salt, stir it up, and you get a lot of unrest. Leaving it in the fridge to cool unfortunately did not work, but some new ideas have been baked and now we just have to wait to stick the toothpick in to see if it worked.

While these are some of the more notable protests, there’s been a lot of them this semester. The Biology Department has decided to put up a blue whale skeleton in the concourse making it impossible for anyone to access the building, the students on the Ecuador abroad have been arrested for protesting form 3-177 and attempting to smuggle animals, there have been outlandish protests from other members of The Pilot against a completely innocent satire writer who is currently in hiding, freshman Madeleine Waters has banded together the three other freshmen of the same first name to attempt to take over Clara McNabb and rename it Maddie House, and the housekeepers are protesting against cleaning dirty kitchens in almost every house since it is quite literally not in their job description.

Now, as I mentioned before, I have been inspired by all the protests and would like to start my own. I would like to make a satire article finally reach the front page of The Pilot – I attempted to make it happen myself last issue, but it has led to dissent because apparently “food security is more important” and “satire goes in the humor section, it’s not real reporting” so now I am now in hiding from the angry editors who switched things back after I fixed it. In order to allow me to A) have my article on the front page and B) be able to come out of hiding I will need signatures. Lots and lots of signatures. So please, email [email protected] and tell them that you want the satire article on the front page of the next issue. I’m signing out, and remember – if you see me sneaking into the dining hall to get food, tell no one.