I’m proud to introduce you to the Brilliant And Dependable Advice Column, also known as B.A.D. Advice, where we answer all of your potential decisions and dilemmas with which you’re having issues.
Maya Pinion states the following, “I think treat night should be EVERY night.”
Well, Maya, I frankly agree. The best way to go about this is to have a mutiny, overthrow the entire school board, and create a totalitarian government. From there, implementing mandatory treat nights will be a walk in the park, and all of Principia’s funding can be put into upholding this critical new law.
Zera Problem asks, “I think my roommate hates me, and I don’t know what I did wrong – any advice?”
Of course, Zera! There’s clearly a lack of communication between you two; the best way to solve that is to have a duel to the death. It’s not up to you to solve their problem with you, but it’s a lot easier to just dispose of the problem entirely instead of addressing the situation with words. After all, no one at Prin handles direct confrontation well.
Alona N. Scared says: “I don’t have any friends, and I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I’m stuck here with nowhere to go, and no one likes me. I’m miserable. Please give me some B.A.D. Advice!”
Well, Alona, to make friends, you just have to follow people! Endure you’re constantly around them, always aware of where they are, and join all their classes and clubs. That way, they can’t escape you, and you’ll never be alone. Works like a charm!
Noah I. Deah asks, “I wanted to ask for some amazing B.A.D. advice but I couldn’t think of anything.”
Noah, you couldn’t think of ANYTHING wrong with your life? There’s NOTHING that is unfulfilling with it? Clearly, you’re just in denial. Do better.
Isaiah Lot submits to us: “I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything.”
… Wow, Isaiah! You’ve certainly left us speechless.
And finally, Victoria Gladden states: “I don’t think your advice is very good.”
Well, Victoria, I don’t think your submission was very good, so I guess we’re at a standstill, aren’t we?
If you want to submit questions, problems, or concerns and get some B.A.D. advice, please email [email protected]! Want to know how to disarm bombs with only your teeth? What about going white-water swimming? Ever want to know what really happens in Rackham’s basement at night? Let us know what’s on your mind!
This is your Beautiful And Driven satire writer signing out.
