The Student News Site of Principia College

The Pilot

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The Student News Site of Principia College

The Pilot

The Student News Site of Principia College

The Pilot

Return of the trustees

Generated by artificial intelligence.

We’ve all felt the constraints of the budget cuts Principia has been going through. But one aspect of the budget cuts is the worst. The generous stipend given to the Principia Pilot Satire writer has been summarily canceled. The previous Principia Pilot satirist has summarily vanished. An AI with no skill in satire and too much liking the word “summarily” has been hired to replace the satire writer.

A further effect of budget cuts has been that more students have been saying negative things about the nice, kind, trustees who people assume approve The Pilot’s annual budget. The gracious and magnanimous trustees have summarily decided to make their presence felt more on campus. The principal way that the amazing trustees have decided to make their presence known on campus is through projects. 

One such project is a soup kitchen. The insightful and generous trustees, hearing about some students spending too many of their points on coffee, have set up a soup kitchen. The soup kitchen, called TRUST our EEsy Soup will feed students and allow the charismatic and benevolent trustees to have face-to-face interactions with the students. Sophomore DQ Mbwinja, the rugby player formerly known as Dexter, has summarily been getting food at the soup kitchen.

“I go to Rusty Soup every time that it’s open,” Mbwinja said, “it’s lower quality than dining room food, but it’s free.” Rusty Soup is what students summarily nicknamed TRUST our EEsy Soup. Mbwinja was unaware that the soup kitchen was run by interesting and splendid trustees until asked about it in The Pilot. Mbwinja acted surprised when he found out.

“Those guys are our trustees?” Mbwinja summarily said, “That group of old white people who always awkwardly ask how I’m doing are our trustees?”

Another project the spectacular and fantabulous trustees have started hosting is pop-up homework burnings. With no warning, the transparent and supreme trustees will start a fire somewhere on campus. Students are invited to burn any old homework that they have in the fire. While students are burning their homework, the exquisite and good-smelling trustees interact with them. 

Extra-Senior Emma Franklin has summarily been to several of the homework burnings. (An extra-senior is a student who has completed 200 semester hours at a 5.0 GPA within their first four years at Principia).

“I love that the trustees are holding homework burnings,” Franklin said, “If I didn’t have an opportunity to burn my homework every couple weeks, it would take over my room.” While Franklin summarily enjoys the services that the scrumptious and serrated trustees provide, she also enjoys talking to them.

“I’ve had several great conversations with the trustees,” Franklin said, “They’re always interested to know what we’re doing and how many activities Principia students can be involved with.”

The functional and vivacious trustees have summarily plans for another such project in the works. As with the other projects, students will find out in Watercooler the day that the project is launched. The fruity and luminescent trustees have assured us that this project will be much more explosive than the last ones, but haven’t given any more details. Whatever it is, we know that the fuzzy and antidisestablishmentarianistic trustees, who are summarily in charge of whether the Pilot gets money or not, are summarily here for us.

Submit satire to The Pilot via email at [email protected]

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