Breaking News, Principia: Several students have mysteriously gone missing. We at “The Pilot” are seriously concerned; dedicated and involved students are gone with no notice, leaving clubs and house boards to fend for themselves.
We sent interviewers to talk to all sorts of people and figure out where they could’ve gone. We attempted to interview Student Life, Administration, the resident mountain lion, Security, and even Dining Services, but the only one who we got a full interview with was the mountain lion. Unfortunately, mountain lions don’t speak or understand English. We were able to confirm that he had nothing to do with any of the disappearances through some extreme measures – thank you to the unpaid intern, may you have a speedy recovery – and moved on in our investigation.
Whilst the faculty investigation led nowhere but dead ends, I did get some student interviews to see if they had any information or theories on the missing students’ whereabouts. Ashton Matthews, a freshman, told us “I’ve literally never met any of them, why are you asking me?.” One sophomore, Zayana Brown, who asked to remain anonymous, was quoted stating “Why are you recording me, Gideon? Leave me alone!” Finally, Brett Walker, a senior, had some interesting theories – “I bet they’re hiding in the walls.” All in all, a successful reconnaissance mission, but still nothing substantial on what happened to the missing students.
So it was up to me, your super clever satire writer who is extremely intelligent, very smart, and only mildly redundant, to solve the case. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. The only correlation between the missing students is that a majority of them were seniors last spring. I still don’t know exactly what that means, but I am putting a protective watch order on our new seniors this spring to make sure that they don’t go missing as well.
In a slew of other less important news, our volleyball team was arrested, engineering majors have been deemed “extinct in the wild,” some teachers may have been replaced by alien robots, Zemma Kitchen is on the loose again, and weird noises are coming from the walls of some buildings.
More importantly, I will not rest until I find out what happened to the seniors. Remember, if you see something, say something. If you have any information on where the seniors have gone, make sure to inform us here at “The Pilot” before you talk to any authorities. This is your incredibly astute satire writer signing out; good night.
