Unfortunately, this will be the last breaking news at Principia. Ever. As in forever.
It all started when freshman Dmitri Anderson (who helps with uploading The Pilot online) challenged senior and editor-in-chief Tobin Blair for ownership of The Pilot. They were going to have a good old-fashioned showdown at The Fall Ball, but Security got in the way so they had to come up with another plan.
And so, inspired by a very minor event happening in the USA at the same time, they decided to hold an election. In the most important election in 2024, the two opponents were ready to fight for the rights of the paper.
Blair started a merch-filled campaign. Cupcakes at the info booth, posters, t-shirts, and pins that he dubbed Blair Badges. “I firmly believe that I am the rightful heir to the throne. This newspaper is mine,” Blair said in an interview.
Vicky Kiende, a senior, was a huge fan of the campaign. “Of course I’m voting for Tobin. Sure the cupcakes might have been a little dry but they were still delicious!”
Anderson went a completely different route. To coincide with the mutiny, he decided that if he won he would rename the paper to The Pirate. Anderson was quoted saying “Ye better git ready for me to be the victor of this here duel….” He held a parade with pirate themed floats, got a pet parrot, and even amputated his arm to get a nifty new hook.
Annabel Hinchman, a senior that’s on the Ecuador Abroad, was in favor of Anderson’s campaign. “He promised us a special Ecuador Edition of The Pirate and even said we could force people to walk the plank!”
Lexi Matthews, a freshman, had different plans. “Honestly? I think I should be the new editor AND chief. The paper has so many flaws – typos, missing pictures, wrong labels, and a really annoying satire writer. I think they should just let me write the entire thing”. Her twin brother refused to comment but was seen wearing a Blair Badge.
Some other less important news you might want to know about before The Pilot is gone forever include the inclusion of actual ghosts in this year’s Anderson Haunted House, all classes and sports being held in Marshall Brooks Library next semester (including both dance prod and the archeology class where they’ll be digging a tunnel from the library to the mastodon), the mysterious disappearance of all dry-erase markers from the campus, Music at Davis actually being held at Davis, The Jam Factory strangely smelling like strawberry jam, and the RAs have decided to band together to defeat the Student Senate.
You might be wondering who won the election and how that led to this being the last issue of the paper. Was it Anderson? Blair? Matthews? Nope. None of the above won. Instead River Martin, a first grader, engineered the election to become the editor-in-chief. In a quick spree of decisions, Martin has decided to abolish the paper completely. In addition he has removed vegetables from dining and commandeered every golf cart on campus with his newfound powers of editing.
I have no positives to end this on. This is your now jobless satire writer signing out. Please help.
