Principia students, there’s exciting news this semester! With the successes of the newly reworked dining services and academic program, as well as the upcoming Autumn Bottom (see Pilot Issue released in May), the people behind student life also decided to make changes!
As most students know, the School of Nations is being taken down. Student Life has taken over the project and has just announced new plans to replace the building with a Movie Theatre! The name will officially be The Prinema, although alumni are given the opportunity to bid to have it named after them. Our insider source claims that the Board of Trustees is hoping to have a name that’s complicated, long, or has the last name of McNabb.
In addition to newly released and classics alike, The Prinema is set to have original movies, such as Attack of the Lowery Men from Mars, Sustainability Club, and The Professor Wears Prada.
Digital Media and Journalism Students are encouraged to submit their work to this cinema. It won’t actually ever get in, but they’re encouraged to submit regardless.
Theatre Students, on the other hand, are ironically banned from the theatre. Some of them were in a test audience for How to Succeed in a Business Major Without Really Trying and incessantly insisted on singing along. Because of this, The Three Musketeers has lost any outside funding, and ticket prices are being jacked up to $212 for students and $5,111 for everyone else.
In other news, the Concourse, also planned to be rebuilt, will now be replaced with a Mall that will connect to The Prinema. The Mall, final name undecided (but probably will have something to do with panthers), will contain a food court, an actual pub (no alcohol but there will allegedly be mocktails), a post office, a security office, and a healthy coating of asbestos.
Student Life is confident that there will be no negative reactions to these fresh ideas, just like the last several times they planned major changes without consulting the students.
Junior Richard Keyes, who happens to be next to me whilst I’m writing this, said, “I’m really intrigued. Frightened, but intrigued.”
A student who wished to remain anonymous (they didn’t, I don’t know their name) just added that they “think it will bring the community closer together! I’m really excited.”
Personally, I’m just bummed because I was banned due to being a theatre major myself. I’m fairly certain that banning us all goes against the laws of the Geneva Convention, but what do I know? I’m just a Satire Writer. Who happens to want popcorn and a movie that has decent lighting design.
This is your popcorn-craving satire writer, signing out.
Gideon Fugman is a junior at Principia College. He writes the regular satire column for the Pilot.