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We need to talk. Wow. It’s been eight months already. It doesn’t seem like it was that long ago that we started this relationship. Ever since then it’s been a whirlwind of hair, perfectly straight teeth, and picnic lunches where we feed each other pears. This is my last article until spring semester next year. I’ve had fun, and I’m pretty sure you have, too. I just don’t know if this is going to work out.
As a resident of Williams House this quarter I’ve been away, I know. I’m a hermit anyway, so I didn’t think it would make that much of a difference. But it has.
Fanbase, do you remember at the beginning of our relationship, the time that we were hanging out and we almost kissed? That was a weird night, but I’m not sorry it happened. In fact, I’m glad. We had something special, but lately it’s been really hard for me to keep doing this.
I’ll be really busy next quarter with the production and a full load of classes. I might only get to see you once the whole quarter. Do you think you could live with that? After that I’m going to be busy the whole summer, working at camp with little to no Internet access. I won’t be able to keep up our Skype date schedule at all. After that, I’m going to England, and I don’t want you to miss out on meeting new people because you’re so focused on me. I want you to live your life while I am gone. And I want to live mine. Go out with friends, Fanbase. Try new foods. Please, please, please try new foods. You’ve been stuck in a breakfast rut ever since I’ve known you. You always eat the same things on certain days of the week.
This is hard for me to do, but the truth needs to come out. I’m just going to say it: I’ve been writing for someone else. It’s been going on for a while now, pretty much the whole quarter, and it’s starting to get pretty serious. I won’t name any names, but their fly is always down and they’re really funny. Please don’t take that to mean you aren’t great — you are. But we’ve just been growing apart.
And it’s not like we can’t be friends, Fanbase. I will always cherish our time together. Don’t let hard feelings cloud your memories of our awesome and fun conversations, or the long nights of passionate laughter we shared. We’ve been through a lot together.
There are, however, a few things I need to say before I go, and I hope you can hear them in the spirit in which they’re meant. You’re always telling me how funny I am. That puts a lot of pressure on me to be funny. I know I’m supposed to be a humor columnist and all, but I just need to be me. Also, since we’ve been together, you’ve really let yourself go. At the beginning of our relationship, you stole my heart, but now you’ve just stolen a bunch of expensive electronics and probably sold them somewhere in Alton. Also, it seems like a third of you are high on a regular basis.
Fanbase, you were so good in Dance Prod — I especially liked the one without sound, it was lovely. You’re also great at track and basketball. The point is, you have other things going for you. You should develop those talents. Don’t be so dependent on me for your success.
This might seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, Fanbase. I’m sorry, and I know it’s a lot to think about. But I have so much going on in my life, and going into our third and final quarter of the year, I just don’t think the timing is right for this to continue. Honestly, you’re so great — I know you’ll find someone out there, somewhere. “Ring by spring,” right? Ha ha ha, ohhhhhh, that was probably not okay to say.
Listen Fanbase, none of this is your fault, really. It’s not you — it’s me.
*Note: Fear not: Ben may be involved with the Pilot staff as a guest writer next quarter.
Ben Frederick is - the rest has been deleted by the editor due to innappropriate content.