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After searching “pizza” on my iPhone’s map app, I was excited to see all of the pizza options so close to campus. The first option was Pizza Hut, so I tapped the “Call” button and talked with a bubbly employee for a few minutes. After providing every bit of information, except my address and Social Security number, she asked where I wanted the pizza delivered. I replied, “Principia College, in Elsah.”

“Elsah, is that a street or something?”

“No, no. That’s a town, down the River Road from Alton,” I replied.

“Oh, you’re in Illinois? Sir, we can’t deliver out there; we are in Missouri,” she laughed. I told her thanks for the time and to please not send me any promotional emails for Pizza Hut because I clearly won’t be ordering from them.

The next three pizza places I called – Dominos, Papa John’s and another Dominos – were all in Missouri. What the heck, Google? I was done with the app. Now I was serious about finding a pizza place that would eventually say they could even conceive of delivering to the behemoth of a village that is Elsah.

I was determined. It was time to sit in my uncomfortable Principia-provided desk chair that dangerously flirts with the line of “I can’t tell if I’m about to die from leaning too far back” and open Google Maps on my computer and map these pizza places out.

I called the Dominos next to Walmart in Upper Alton. You know, the one where if you turn left at the Schnucks and QT corner and go down for about a mile? That Dominos. I didn’t want to waste this woman’s time, so I immediately opened with, “Do you deliver to Principia College in Elsah?” She said she needed to check with her manager. Then I heard laughing and “Oh my God, again?” comments in the background. She came back and with the sincerest backhanded accolade offered: “No, we don’t, but you can order and come pick it up.”

I also asked how many pizzas it would take me to order for them to deliver, and she fired back that no matter what, they would not deliver. Literally the same conversation happened with Pizza Hut in Alton and Imo’s Pizza. But let’s be honest, even if Imo’s did deliver, I would not let that thin-crusted catastrophe near my chompers.

At this point, I was desperate and feeling a little distraught, so I called Little Caesars for kicks. We all know that Little Caesars does not deliver, but on the phone, I simply pretended it was impossible for them not to bring me Hot-N-Ready Pizza. Even more so, why they couldn’t bring it down the ever-so-safe Beltrees Road late at night.

Well, Principia, if you’re ever extremely bored and little angry at the world, calling a local pizza place and complaining why they won’t deliver is a great release. But for now, let’s just be grateful for the Pub and those glorious nights before the Dining Room runs out of barbeque chicken pizza.