This morning I was sitting in my office, reviewing the latest issue of the Pilot over my morning breakfast burrito. I don’t usually like to read the other articles, so I flipped directly to my own to make sure the layout was perfect. To my horror, I saw none other than the infamous Benjamin Frederick staring up at me from the opposite page. As I read his article, I was thrust into a series of convulsive scoffs and gasps as I read the slander he wrote about me. I consequently feel the need to set the record straight on a few things.

First of all, there is nothing wrong with being a Girl Scout. Ben himself was once a Girl Scout, but he quit a week in because he thought the sash made his calves look fat. He failed to mention that the same training I received from the Scouts made me an excellent writer. You see, the Scouts trained me to be committed, unrelenting, and rugged. I see myself using the same mix of determination and coercion I once used to sell cookies when I set out to get the facts. The fact that Ben gave up the Scouts shows that he’s probably not cut out for writing, either.

I should also mention that the reason my training took three months versus a few minutes is that they saw more potential in me. They saw in me the cunning, the nerve, and the raw talent that you so lack, Ben. Why not cultivate those God-given gifts into something brilliant? It would have been foolish of Maija not to foster my abilities as she did. Your lack of serious training is indicative of your lack of potential. You were filler until something better came along. Enter: me.

Ben, if I found out you were going to be my roommate, I would immediately request a single or drop out of Prin entirely. You strike me as the sort of person who would try on my clothes and leave cookie crumbs in my bed. Nobody wants to deal with that, me least of all.

Speaking of roommates, I would now like to address my readers. It’s that time of year again, time to change what works and move in with a stranger you hardly know. If you’ve ever had a roommate, you know as well as I do that you often have no idea what you’re getting stuck with. By the time you find out that the nice girl you agreed to live with has weird sleeping habits, it’s too late. You’re stuck with sleepless nights, sighing and groaning as your roommate sucks her pillow and makes sounds like a velociraptor. In the spirit of the season, I’ve compiled a list of all the things that could go wrong with a rooming situation.

First, your roommate could have a significant other. This is bad because you will often enter the room and find them both there, either in a passionate embrace (awkward), or sitting moodily on the edge of the bed with a feeling of loathing palpitating throughout the room (doubly awkward). I find that the best way to deal with this is to throw down some rules from the get-go regarding the hours during which they are allowed to be mackin’ out. Also, be sure to specify that your room is a happy place for you. Your sanctuary is no place to make a spectacle, so if they have something to work out, it’s best to do it in the library or the Pub.

Next, if your roommate is an athlete, your room could develop a distinctive odor, similar to Frito’s and gym socks.  This will make it difficult to convince someone to break house hours with you, if you know what I mean. If this happens to you, stock up on Febreze if you want any sort of romantic life. You should also drop subtle hints like “It smells in here,” or “Do your laundry, it smells.” This is really effective because you don’t have to be blunt or rude.

Lastly, it is quite possible that your roommate will have awful taste in music. If you share a room with someone who appreciates the Barking Dogs’ “Jingle Bells,” or David Hasselhoff’s “More Than Words Can Say,” do not address the situation by making their CDs into Frisbees or taking a baseball bat to their speakers. Such destruction probably won’t make them change their tastes, but it will most definitely make them mad at you. Instead, get them to buy a pair of headphones and limit open listening to the hours you aren’t there. Again, communication is key on this one.

As for me, I’m the best roommate you could possibly have. Why, you ask? Well, I’m really easy to get along with. I can also alphabetize your closet by color and designer. I’m known for my fancy cobbler parties. You may even wake to the sound of my melodic serenades accompanied by the kazoo, just to show you I care. I’ll do all that and more. You would do well to find someone like me to room with, especially if you want to avoid the pitfalls of most rooming situations. You would also hate to be stuck with someone like Ben Frederick.