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In response to Lowrey’s recent failed attempts to prank the campus, the editors-in-chief at the Pilot have stolen ex-humor columnist Ben Frederick’s personal diary and have posted the best entries below. Enjoy- Maija and Warren

August 12, 2009

Well Diary, here I am, a brand new college freshman. I can hardly believe it myself. I never thought I’d make it to college after that bout with STD[1]. I thought he had me for sure in the fourth, but he was a brawler and I out-boxed him for the win.

All of my things are in my room in Rackham. I guess this was my dad’s first room when he was a student here. I have fewer possessions than I thought; really just one pair of underwear that I can stretch into pants or shorts as the occasion calls, and some Fig Newtons. It felt like a lot more when I packed it all up.

I like the way this campus looks, Diary … it’s more like a village than a college. I especially think so after talking to some of my fellow freshmen. Is it possible for an entire class to be the village idiot in our community?

I am excited for class! The FYE I’m in seems interesting[2]. I really hope the upperclassmen like me.

Well Diary, time to go make some new friends. Talk to you soon.

October 15, 2009

Diary … I am tired. There are children in the halls at all hours of the night. I want to do well in school but it’s hard when the bass comes thumping through the walls in the dead of night … I just want sleeeeeeeeeeeeeee… (editor’s note: the handwriting trails off here).

January 5, 2010

Winter quarter just started, and I got a job offer. WWF[3] asked me to wrestle for them. Apparently they need a person to wrestle endangered species to publicize their cause. It pays pretty well, but my first match is against a California condor. They have talons and big wings and I don’t want to touch their gross, bald heads. It’s okay, though. I really need the money, and they qualify for TRWP.

February 10, 2010

It’s my birthday today. No one remembered, again. I’m ­– actually a few people just invited me to go out. They remembered! I’ll let you know what happened when I get back.

Later that night…

Okay, so a bunch of guys just took me out to Waffle House for my birthday.  It was really delicious. After that, as we were driving back, Cam pulled off into the bushes while yelling, “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!” It didn’t work, but we had a good laugh about it. It was the best birthday ever.

December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas. I didn’t get anything this year. Except my parents held me down and shaved my chest. It was uncomfortable, but then I got breakfast, which was great. I got an X-men truck with Wolverine on the top and a big grabby claw. I think my parents think I’m still 10 years old. Actually, that explains the chest shaving and dressing me up in youth-sized clothes. This is a weird Christmas. I think they’re empty nesting.

February 25, 2011

The Lazy Zipper show went well. Good job, team. We are funny.

April 23, 2011

So, today I spent the day looking for an 80’s song with a saxophone solo in it that goes: Do do dee do do do doo. I tried singing it to about 10 different people and none of them knew it. I listened to about three hours’ worth of saxophone music until I found it. It’s called Baker Street, by Gerry Rafferty. I cried when I found it. I cried for hours. I’m still crying. I want my mommy.

September 46, 2021

Greetings from the Space Abroad, Diary. I finally got one of those Astronaut pens that I’ve been talking about getting. It totally writes in zero gravity! I love this, but my bones are starting to lose calcium. Also, my muscles are starting to atrophy due to the lack of gravity here. I’m gonna go use the space bathroom and make a meteoroid.

That’s the last entry. After that there’s a montage of drawings of dinosaurs and army men fighting and eventually signing a peace treaty. Then, on the last page there’s a T-rex sitting in the President’s desk vetoing a bill. -Warren

[1] Stephen Tyler Davies, amateur boxer, heavyweight division.

[2] See Ben’s FYE column

[3] World Wildlife Federation

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